ASK HER: Can A Casual Sex ‘Relationship’ Work?

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ASK HER

You ask, she answers. Have a burning question about dating, sex or relationships? Drop a line to rebecca@welldoneboston.com.

What’s the best way to propose a no-strings-attached casual sex situation without coming across like a dick? Is it even possible to make that work? — Nick, 27, Boston, MA

photo-1421986704988-8681f7ca5373Here’s the good news: There are indeed women who want nothing more than sex from you. Maybe they have super hectic jobs, or maybe they just got out of a heavy relationship and that’s about all they can handle. Either way, these enigmatic creatures do exist. Don’t believe me? A very famous study found that if you take away the risk of STDs and societal judgement, women are literally just as DTF as men are.

And here’s the big inevitable “but”: Even casual situations require some respect.

First of all, if you know that’s all you want with this girl, make it clear from the get-go. Women are naturally future-oriented meaning they need to know where they stand, so if you’re wining and dining her for weeks on end and then suddenly pull the friends-with-benefits card, you’ll look shady AF and she’ll feel like she can’t trust you. Not only that, but if you wait too long, she could develop stronger feelings for you, which completely shoots down your odds of making a casual sex thing work. Make your intentions known early on (within the first few times you hang, the sooner the better) and you’ll have a much better shot. But before making any kind of proposition, it might be wise to put your feelers out—this can be as simple as asking her what she’s currently looking for in the dating department.

But how does one bring this up? This part is crucial: Be straightforward. “I’m not in the right place to invest in a relationship right now, but I’m definitely attracted to you, and if you’re open to something casual, then I’d love to keep seeing you.” Believe me, most women are not idiots in this regard—if you say the word “casual,” we get the picture. By both showing that you have a physical interest in her and putting the ball in her court, you’ll make her feel empowered instead of manipulated. Points if you do this in person instead of over text. Yeah, it’s gonna feel awkward. Suck it up.

photo-1423666639041-f56000c27a9aShe’s down? Well done, sir, lucky you. Something to keep in mind going forward, though: some girls may be great at convincing you (and themselves) that they’re totally cool with casual sex, but deep down are hoping it’ll turn into something more. You should be able to spot the signs pretty easily. If she seems super invested in what’s going on in your personal life (family, job, etc.), starts inviting you out a lot with her friends or tries to set more traditional “dates,” then you might want to back off.

Now here’s the key: keeping her around. Research has shown time and again that the vast majority women get off easier with a guy they’re in a relationship with than with a stranger. Why? Because they feel comfortable, and the men they’re with seem more motivated to put the effort in. So if you want to keep this casual hookup thing going, then for god’s sake, don’t be selfish in bed. Find out what she likes—and equally importantly—what she doesn’t like. Some women are more inherently vocal about their needs than others. Don’t be afraid to pry, she’ll appreciate it in the long run. And it’s a win-win, because if she’s getting what she wants, you can be pretty sure you’ll be getting consistent sex on the regular.

One final note. If everything’s on your terms, you’re basically guaranteed to piss her off. In other words, casual sex doesn’t mean she’ll be at your beck and call whenever’s convenient for you. No 2 A.M. booty calls (or, more accurately, texts). You’re better than that. And to be honest, nothing makes a woman feel more cheap and used. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to plan sex dates a week in advance, but it might be wise to at least be familiar with each other’s schedules and of course, be respectful of her time. Godspeed, guy. And just remember: If you strike out this time, you’re just ruling out someone who doesn’t want what you want—which will bring you one step closer to the lady who does.

Rebecca Strong

Rebecca Strong

Born and raised in CT and having lived in Boston for a decade now, it's safe to say Rebecca is a die-hard New Englander. (She tried moving to L.A. once...and was back on the East Coast in four and a half months). Since graduating from Emerson College, she's contributed to numerous local and national publications—which have included The Huffington Post, BostInno, Elite Daily, U.S. News & World Report, and Stuff Magazine—covering a range of topics from technology and travel to style and beauty. Now she's most interested in helping the men in Boston (and beyond) boost their sex, dating and relationship IQ. Meanwhile, she's currently pursuing her master's at The Boston Conservatory. When she's not writing, Rebecca can be found in a kickboxing class, drinking a generous glass (or three) of wine, watching a Bs game...or patiently waiting for hockey season to return.

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