Target’s Boston Collection is Wickid Fahckin’ Stupid

Bostontarget

BostontargetTarget’s Boston Collection is Wickid Fahckin’ Stupid

God save us all!

Recently Target rolled out a “Local Pride” Boston collection by a designer named Todd Snyder.  Here’s a link. Please don’t buy anything. As a parent of a toddler I’m in Target at least three times a week, buying diapers, wipes, diaper genie bags, Frozen related tchotchkes, the banana / blueberry Gerber pouches that my daughter would rank just below air and functioning organs in terms of importance, etc. I didn’t notice the Local Pride collection immediately, despite it being placed almost literally in the entrance of our nearest store. What caught my eye at first was a profoundly offensive item, which we’ll get to later.

The collection is, as a whole, not offensive, but rather just really fucking stupid, the type of thing no self-respecting Bostonian would wear. Unfortunately there are probably enough college kids, motherfuckers from Vermont, and Bostonians without self-respect to make the collection a success.

targetboston

There are some items in the collection that are just innocuously stupid, like a shirt with the Cape Cod Chips logo or the Marshmallow Fluff logo. Do I enjoy each of those products? Absolutely. My grandmother used to plop me in front of the tv with a jar of fluff and a spoon, for Christ’s sake. Does that heart-warming anecdote make me want to plunk down $14.99 for a shirt? Fuck no.

Some of the shirts go beyond innocuously stupid into what Sully and Murph would undoubtedly call “Wickid Fahckin’ stupid, guy.” Here are a few of them.

1. How Bout Them Apples

I have never heard anyone use this phrase in any context, not even in reference to the fucking movie. I have no idea why people think that when a baby is born at Mass General the doctor slaps it on the ass and says “How bout them apples?” When you’re kicked out of The Greatest Bar does the bouncer say “how bout them apples” as your face bounces off Friend Street? Did Johnny Most croak “How bout them apples” when Havlicek stole the ball? Why the fuck would anyone wear this shirt?

2. Yaz

Yaz may have been captain, but I’m fairly certain that if anyone called him “Captain Carl” he would’ve backhanded them and then stubbed out a Marlboro red between their eyes. Make me a Venn diagram of people who have “Tessie” on their iPods, people who know who Carl Yastrzemski is, and people to whom both applies and there will be miles between those circles.

3. Wicked Smaht

When you want a shirt that says, “Hi, I’m a fucking moron.”

4. Package Store

When you want a shirt that says, “Hi, I’m a fucking alcoholic.”

5. Southie

If you’re not from Southie and you buy a shirt that says “Southie” at Target you deserve whatever happens to you.

6. Of all these bullshit shirts, there was only one that got me legit mad: a women’s tank emblazoned with the silhouette of a runner and the words “Boston Strong” in a vaguely 70s design, in grey and red rather than the blue and yellow of the official merch, and by “official” I mean proceeds going to charity. A Google of “Todd Snyder Boston Charity” brought up nothing pertinent. So thank you, Target, for showing us that the tragedy of the Boston Marathon bombing has reached the point where a phrase used to help people heal can be used to line a slumming fashion designer’s pockets.

And if you were curious, the Boston Local Pride line is made in Nicaragua. Good work, Target. You’ve really captured what it means to be from Boston. Now fuck off back to providing the random shit we realized we forgot when we did our weekend errands.

Update: Turns out there’s plagiarism involved too.

Brendan O'Brien

Brendan O'Brien

When Brendan O'Brien was 17 he was sure he was going to be a rock star. At 37 he teaches English. Married with a daughter, in his spare time he's a film buff, a basketball junkie, and a cemetery enthusiast.

More Posts